Humor Profile Questionnaire:

Introduction Questionnaire

General Questions

Please provide the following general information which will help us develop the profiling system.
# of Siblings, Birth Order:  out of  sibling

                       Sex:  Female

State or Country of Origin:  


           Political Party:  Democrat

     Political Convictions:  Strong

       Socioeconomic class:  Lower

Joke Ratings

Next please rate the following jokes. Your answers will use to create your humor profile.

     A. Did you hear what was written up in the local paper recently
     about the baby born last week?  They couldn't tell if it was a
     boy or a girl.  It had both a penis and a brain.

B. A Lieutenant Commander: A lieutenant's wife.

C. Behind every successful man stands a wife who tells him what to do, and a secretary who does it.

D. Most hierarchies were established by men, who consequently monopolize the upper levels, thus depriving women of their rightful share of opportunities for incompetence.

E. 'A farmer was showing a beautiful woman around his farm. They happened upon a field where a lusty bull was mating with a cow. After watching for a while, the farmer sidled up to her and said, "Boy, I'd sure like to do something like that." "Why don't you," she responded, "It's your cow"'

F. Mitch Mitchel had a very sick ram. He called a veterinarian who came and prescribed some medicine. The ram made a miraculous recovery and was soon back at his favorite task of chasing the sheep, but with new vigor. One of Mitchel's neighbors happened over, and as the two men talked about the amazing recovery, the neighbor asked, "I wonder what's in that medicine?" Mitch replied, 'I don't know, but it sort of tastes like peppermint.'

G. A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. So he gave her a lobotomy.

H. A young man condescendingly pointed out Ms. Feeley's age (65) by referring to her as 'mother'. She shouts back, 'I couldn't be your mother, I was married!'.

Reasons Why Cucumbers Are Better than Men I. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.

J. Cucumbers don't ask, 'How was it?'

K. Cucumbers never make anyone pregnant.

L. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.

Reasons Why Jelly Donuts Are Better than Women M. Jelly donuts are never unsatisfied.

N. Jelly donuts never get headaches.

O. Jelly donuts don't want to know if they look fat.

P. Jelly donuts don't blame their nasty disposition on the time of the month.

Why are a hot dog and a bun better than a man and a woman? Q. A hot dog and bun get finished at the same time.

R. A hot dog and bun never argue about money.

S. A hot dog and bun have the same level of emotional expressiveness.

T. Do you believe in clubs for children? Only when kindness fails.

U. Why did the cookie cry? Because its mother was a wafer so long.

V. Timetable. A table bought on the credit plan.

W. Mother to screaming infant: 'Now will you shut your mouth and eat!'

X. You can always see a woman's dress without seeing her dress.

Y. 'Is the doctor at home?' asked the patient in his bronchial whisper. 'No', the doctor's young and pretty wife whispered in reply. 'Come right in.'

Z. Two men and one woman of various nationalities find themselves stuckon their own uninhabited islands. On the French island, the woman marries one man and the other becomes her lover. All three are happy. On the Russian island, the woman falls in love with one and marries the other, and all three are miserable. The three Britons each go to a different corner of their island and never speak to one another, because there is nobody to make the introductions.

AA. Q: Why do blondes have square chests? A: because they forget to take the tissues out of the box.

BB. Q: How do you know if a blond is a good cook? A: If the Pop-Tarts are still in one piece.

CC. Q: Why did the blond put TGIF on her shoes? A: Toes Go In First.

DD. Q: Define gross ignorance. A: 144 Polacks.

EE. Q: Why was the blond woman mad about her Driver's License? A: Because it said she got an "F" in sex.

FF. Q: What was the Irishman doing grabbing thin air? A: Collecting thoughts.

GG. Q: Why do boy dogs lick their testicles? A: Because they can.

HH. Jesus, on the cross, gasps weakly, ``Peter, Peter, come here.'' Peter puts up a ladder, climbs up, leans his ear close by. Jesus speaks: ``Peter, I can see your house from here.''

II. Q: What's black and white and red all over, and can't turn around in a doorway? A: A nun with a javelin through her head.

JJ. Q: How do you know that an elephant has been in the refrigerator? A: There are footprints in the butter dish.

KK. Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.

LL. No, I had no problem communicating with Latin American heads of state - though now I do wish I had paid more attention to Latin when I was in high school. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

MM. I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this country. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

NN. We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

OO. This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States! -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988

PP. Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

QQ. Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion of the Holocaust. He said it was "an obscene period in our nation's history." Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant "this century's history" and added a confusing comment. "We all lived in this century, I didn't live in this century," he said. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

RR. We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of human rights. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

SS. The US has a vital interest in that area of the country. -- Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America.

TT. I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

UU. Let me tell you something. As we were walking around in the store, Marilyn and I were just really impressed by all the novelties and the different types of little things that you could get for Christmas. And all the people that would help you, they were dressed up in things that said 'I believe in Santa Claus.' And the only thing that I could think is that I believe in George Bush. -- Vice President Dan Quayle at a garden center and produce store in Baltimore

VV. I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

WW. When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

Issue Ratings

This is the last section of the Humor Profile Questionnaire.

Please select an answer to the following questions:

1 I laugh when I'm all alone: Often Sometimes Rarely Never 2 Compared to most people I know, I laugh: More Less Same 3 Jokes offend me: Often Sometimes Rarely Never 4 When I'm with people that are laughing and I don't know why, then usually: I will laugh with them anyway. I won't laugh, and I feel uncomfortable. I won't laugh, and I'm very comfortable about it. 5 I've been in a group of people where we all were laughing together for no reason: This week This month This year Before this year 6 Here's a pun, for example: When is a door not a door? When it's ajar. When someone makes a pun, then usually I think they: are wonderfully clever are kind of cute are annoying should die a miserable death (seriously) 7 When I make a pun, then I usually think I: am wonderfully clever am kind of cute am annoying should die a miserable death (seriously) 8 Men are funnier than women: Definitely. Men think so, but not really. Women think so, but not really. Definitely not. 9 Women are funnier than men: Definitely. Women think so, but not really. Men think so, but not really. Definitely not.

Your return email address (where we'll send your profile when it's ready):

That's the end of this survey. Please submit your answers by clicking the "Submit Questionnaire" button.

Copyright © 1996-2001 Tom Veatch All rights reserved.
Last Modified: May 31, 2001.