A. Did you hear what was written up in the local paper recently
about the baby born last week? They couldn't tell if it was a
boy or a girl. It had both a penis and a brain.
B. A Lieutenant Commander: A lieutenant's wife.
C. Behind every successful man stands a wife who tells him what
to do, and a secretary who does it.
D. Most hierarchies were established by men, who consequently
monopolize the upper levels, thus depriving women of their
rightful share of opportunities for incompetence.
E. 'A farmer was showing a beautiful woman around his farm.
They happened upon a field where a lusty bull was mating with a
cow. After watching for a while, the farmer sidled up to her
and said, "Boy, I'd sure like to do something like that." "Why
don't you," she responded, "It's your cow"'
F. Mitch Mitchel had a very sick ram. He called a veterinarian
who came and prescribed some medicine. The ram made a miraculous
recovery and was soon back at his favorite task of chasing the
sheep, but with new vigor. One of Mitchel's neighbors happened
over, and as the two men talked about the amazing recovery, the
neighbor asked, "I wonder what's in that medicine?" Mitch
replied, 'I don't know, but it sort of tastes like peppermint.'
G. A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her
like Bo Derek. So he gave her a lobotomy.
H. A young man condescendingly pointed out Ms. Feeley's age (65)
by referring to her as 'mother'. She shouts back, 'I couldn't
be your mother, I was married!'.
Reasons Why Cucumbers Are Better than Men
I. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
J. Cucumbers don't ask, 'How was it?'
K. Cucumbers never make anyone pregnant.
L. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
Reasons Why Jelly Donuts Are Better than Women
M. Jelly donuts are never unsatisfied.
N. Jelly donuts never get headaches.
O. Jelly donuts don't want to know if they look fat.
P. Jelly donuts don't blame their nasty disposition on the time
of the month.
Why are a hot dog and a bun better than a man and a woman?
Q. A hot dog and bun get finished at the same time.
R. A hot dog and bun never argue about money.
S. A hot dog and bun have the same level of emotional
expressiveness.
T. Do you believe in clubs for children? Only when kindness fails.
U. Why did the cookie cry? Because its mother was a wafer so long.
V. Timetable. A table bought on the credit plan.
W. Mother to screaming infant: 'Now will you shut your mouth and eat!'
X. You can always see a woman's dress without seeing her dress.
Y. 'Is the doctor at home?' asked the patient in his bronchial
whisper. 'No', the doctor's young and pretty wife whispered in
reply. 'Come right in.'
Z. Two men and one woman of various nationalities find
themselves stuckon their own uninhabited islands. On the French
island, the woman marries one man and the other becomes her
lover. All three are happy. On the Russian island, the woman
falls in love with one and marries the other, and all three are
miserable. The three Britons each go to a different corner of
their island and never speak to one another, because there is
nobody to make the introductions.
AA. Q: Why do blondes have square chests?
A: because they forget to take the tissues out of the box.
BB. Q: How do you know if a blond is a good cook?
A: If the Pop-Tarts are still in one piece.
CC. Q: Why did the blond put TGIF on her shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
DD. Q: Define gross ignorance.
A: 144 Polacks.
EE. Q: Why was the blond woman mad about her Driver's License?
A: Because it said she got an "F" in sex.
FF. Q: What was the Irishman doing grabbing thin air?
A: Collecting thoughts.
GG. Q: Why do boy dogs lick their testicles?
A: Because they can.
HH. Jesus, on the cross, gasps weakly, ``Peter, Peter, come
here.'' Peter puts up a ladder, climbs up, leans his ear close
by. Jesus speaks: ``Peter, I can see your house from here.''
II. Q: What's black and white and red all over, and can't turn
around in a doorway?
A: A nun with a javelin through her head.
JJ. Q: How do you know that an elephant has been in the refrigerator?
A: There are footprints in the butter dish.
KK. Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
LL. No, I had no problem communicating with Latin American heads
of state - though now I do wish I had paid more attention to
Latin when I was in high school.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
MM. I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in
this country.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
NN. We're going to have the best-educated American people in
the world.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
OO. This election is about who's going to be the next President
of the United States!
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
PP. Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a
mother and child.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
QQ. Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion
of the Holocaust. He said it was "an obscene period in our
nation's history." Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle
said he meant "this century's history" and added a confusing
comment. "We all lived in this century, I didn't live in this
century," he said.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
RR. We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the
elimination of human rights.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
SS. The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America.
TT. I have made good judgements in the Past.
I have made good judgements in the Future.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
UU. Let me tell you something. As we were walking around in the
store, Marilyn and I were just really impressed by all the
novelties and the different types of little things that you
could get for Christmas. And all the people that would help you,
they were dressed up in things that said 'I believe in Santa
Claus.' And the only thing that I could think is that I believe
in George Bush.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle at a garden center and
produce store in Baltimore
VV. I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
WW. When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
Issue Ratings
This is the last section of the Humor Profile Questionnaire.
Please select an answer to the following questions:
1 I laugh when I'm all alone:
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never
2 Compared to most people I know, I laugh:
More
Less
Same
3 Jokes offend me:
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never
4 When I'm with people that are laughing and I don't know why, then usually:
I will laugh with them anyway.
I won't laugh, and I feel uncomfortable.
I won't laugh, and I'm very comfortable about it.
5 I've been in a group of people where we all were laughing together
for no reason:
This week
This month
This year
Before this year
6 Here's a pun, for example: When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
When someone makes a pun, then usually I think they:
are wonderfully clever
are kind of cute
are annoying
should die a miserable death (seriously)
7 When I make a pun, then I usually think I:
am wonderfully clever
am kind of cute
am annoying
should die a miserable death (seriously)
8 Men are funnier than women:
Definitely.
Men think so, but not really.
Women think so, but not really.
Definitely not.
9 Women are funnier than men:
Definitely.
Women think so, but not really.
Men think so, but not really.
Definitely not.
